The Ohio State Buckeyes reach a milestone that not even the SEC can rival this week, as their criminal count reached 30 over a mere 7 years since Jim Tressel took over the team. 30 of Jim's athletes have had run-ins with the law, but Tressel is optimistic that they can reach 50 within another 2 seasons. The "Dirty Thirty", as they're being called around the internet, mark a milestone that other teams sports-world wide are calling the most impressive collection of criminals in the history of all sports. This includes the 90's Dallas Cowboys, the current SEC Conference (due to 'per capita' statistics), Cincinnati Bengals and NBA Officials.
Defensive tackle, Doug Worthington was the player responsible for this accomplishment, and when asked about the feat he was reluctant to accept the credit.
"Well, this was a team effort. We've come a long way since 2001. My teammates all put in their work, and I thought someone else would break the big 30 before I did, but it's just the way the cards fell. I've got to give credit to Maurice Clarrett, Troy Smith, and Louis Irizarry for teaching us to never give up. Also, coach Tressel for giving us the funds to pre-pay all our bail-bonds. WE NUMBER 1!" said Worthington.
Somewhere, OJ Simpson has a tear in his eye, knowing there's a place where criminal athletes are accepted, embraced, and given a shot at winning with no restrictions, and that place is The University of Ohio State (if you ask Tyrelle Pryor, at least).

This should be a big year for the Buckeyes, and maybe 30 will be their lucky number, as their team is stacked with loads of talent, and guys with more street cred than Kimbo Slice. I think they'd play better in uniforms they're more comfortable in though. Maybe something with more stripes, or that Tennessee orange they wear during the week.

Jake Jetson

As of Sunday, July 20th, we now know quite a few things. Candace Parker should never wear a dress, Justin Timberlake is responsible for the New York Giant's miracle win, and athletes have the sense of humor of a...of like...well, they don't have much of one, ok?
Alright, first thing's first - Candace, Candace, Candace...Didn't Roger Clemens teach you anything? Barry Bonds? Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk? The juice doesn't pay off. Sure, you might be able to drop 40 pts on a bunch of 4ft7 women that play ball worse than any pick up squad I've run through, but your physique is paying for it. You were our hope, that maybe - just maybe an attractive female can play basketball in the WNBA. Sure, you're freakishly tall, and amazonish. We can look over that. Well...around that. But now that you're built like Dwight Howard? Ehhhhh...it's not so hot. You were holding the ESPY award like an eating utensil.
Jerome Bettis even looked scared from a distance. It's not normal for a woman to have pectorals. Maybe Sheldon Williams digs it when you flex your A-Cup, but he looks like a dinosaur, so we're going to overlook his opinion. Seriously, lay off the roids. Your dome could hold refugees from New Orleans with room for a Barry Bonds hat collection. You won 'Best Female Athlete', and I'm pretty sure you need a vagina for that award...

Speaking of the 'Bests'. Tiger Woods took home "Best Male Athlete". So first we have a dude winning "Best Female Athlete" and now a golfer wins best athlete? Have any of the voters actually played golf before? Or even been to a golf course? Have the guys are drunk, old, fat, or all the above. They even need a cart to get around the course. I think there need to be rules to qualify for certain awards. To be the best female - you have to be a female. To be the best athlete - you must be athletic. Is this making sense? Sure, Tiger Woods is the most dominant golfer ever. Hooray. Great. I could still beat him in a 40 yard dash, kill him in a game of 1 on 1, or shut him down in my flag football league. Look - I bet Bill Dance never got a most athletic award, but he was one hell of a fisherman, right? Once you have to be in shape to walk around acres of land and swing a stick a few times, we'll consider them athletes. But for now? No. They're just guys that are great at a game that most of us don't even want our bosses to ask us to play on the weekend. I look extremely athletic on a golf course too, Tiger. And change that polo you've been wearing since 1996.


Jake Jetson

Hey, remember Matt Jones, the kid that played quarterback for the Arkansas Razorbacks? No? Well, remember that kid that Mel Kiper and all the draft experts said would be a great wide receiver project for some lucky NFL team? Yeah, that 6 foot 6, 4.30 forty running man-beast? That was Matt Jones. That was the guy the Jacksonville Jaguars wasted a draft pick on, as their fans wasted their hopes along with it.
Well, he's finally done something exciting with his life. Finally. But unfortunately it wasn't on the football field. There was no replay, no Al Michaels to commentate - no, but there were white powdered lines. So it's almost football related? Matt Jones was arrested early Thursday morning as police approched Jones' Toyota 4Runner for being parked in an area notorious for drug use and thefts. Jones was chopping cocaine in the vehicle with a credit card.
A credit card? Ohhh high roller. Mr. Fancy pants can't cut his cocaine like the rest of us, huh? Gotta use his credit card to show off. Know what I use my credit card for? Unlocking doors. That's what. Unlocking doors and sleeping on the couches of complete strangers. It's nothing I'm proud of, but at least I can catch a football! Take that Matt Jones.

Jake Jetson

July 12, 2008 (I feel the date is important, just so everyone knows this is a new post)
Yes, that's right. America's Greatest Dad has failed yet another drug test, due to testing positive for...can you guess? I'll give you a hint: It starts with the letter M and rhymes with Sarah Conner (Use the Ahnuld accent). And why not, you know? It's not as if Travis Henry has anything to lose at this point. His agent claims that Henry can barely afford his child support payments, and he was recently released by the Denver Broncos. If Travis Henry was a better running back, he'd be the new Ricky Williams. But not as cool, and not as gay. Millions of dollars playing football...orrrr smoking on mom's couch? Millions playing football...or driving an '87 Honda Accord? Tough choice.
Though, we should have seen this coming. I was doing a bit of research on Henry, and found a scouting report that pretty much tells us all we'd need to know about his lifestyle...or running style. Maybe I'm just reading too much in to this?

Travis Henry scouting report:

Strengths: Can really burn it. He avoids lines, and finds the open 'turf' like few others can. Has a great motor. Never quits. If a hole opens, he'll hit it, and never look back. Very shifty, but usually moves North-South...north-south...north-south. Covers a lot of grass, and will play in any weather...doesn't own a rain coat. Doesn't lack that burst, and stays in the end-zone.

Weaknesses: Though he's a great back, you can find a Travis Henry (jr) in just about every school in america, though they aren't draft eligible yet. Has a laid back approach to the game. Lacks vision, and sometimes doesn't know when to bounce it outside. Loves Mary more than football, and this could cause distractions. Hands are questionable, and he doesn't use his as much as the rest of us. Needs to polish his skill-set more.

But there you have it. If you ever need a running back for your flag football team, spot Travis a dime-bag and I'll sure he'll show up to play. It's not as if he'll have anything else to do once Roger Goodell burns him at the cross.

Jake Jetson

Shocking, right? So shocking that it hasn't been officially announced yet, but I'm officially announcing it: Brett Favre is coming back. We knew it last season, and we know it now. And by chance he doesn't return, he'll at least make sure his name pops up every week on ESPN. I can see it now, week 16 as the Green Bay Packers are 15-0 under Aaron Rodgers, A dark silhouette appears on the titan-tron. A WWE type intro sounds, and the number 4 flashes on the scoreboard monitor. But not only the monitor - every number on the scoreboard is now a 4. Not enough? A zip chord lowers a trench coat wearing Favre from the sky and he lands at midfield - pointing a baseball bat at Aaron Rodgers. Getting chills yet? Flashing that famous smile he removes the coat and holds his hand up to receive the game ball. Oh now it's on! I don't want to ruin the story for you, but the Packers lose the next 2 games ending their season.
Brett is the Packers' creepy ex-boyfriend. Sure, he claims he's going to leave them alone and is ready to move on, but as soon as you're sipping daquiries with Aaron Rodgers, there you see him, peeking from the bushes with night-vision goggles on and full camo- at 12 noon. You wont hear from him for months, but then you get a text message during your honeymoon, explaining how he's changed. His friends tell you that he's got an "itch", but that only scares you a little. You can tell him that it's not him, it's you as many times as you want, but he just doesn't get it. Truth is - nobody likes a saggy sack, and changing diapers isn't something rookies should have to endure during their hazings. The Packers want a young man with endurance and potential. They've got one, but Pappy thinks because he bought you a few things that the relationship should only end on his terms.
Now, I apologize for making Brett Favre sex analogies, but it's the easiest one I can think of. Probably because I'm a disgusting pervert. Or because Brett Favre in Wranglers screams 'sex'. It's not my fault.

Now I wait for Brett to sign with the Vikings or Lions. Trying to make the ex-jealous. But Brett can't win in a dome, and is now officially Madden cursed, so hilarity should ensue. This will be as funny as McNair playing for the Ravens. Speaking of - aren't these guys friends? C'mon Mac, your pal needs some advice. Help the guy out.

Jake Jetson

And by "Big 3", I of course mean the 3 guys that truly made a difference. They didn't come off the bench. And they didn't even suit up in greens. However, when you put up stats like 38 free throw attempts versus a lowly 10, you don't need a pretty jumper. You don't need to rebound. Just blow that whistle baby, and win!
Look, I rarely ever get technical and start throwing numbers around, because that's way too much like respectable journalism, and you know I'm not down with that. But the Lakers went to the free throw line 10 times in game 2. Ten times. Like those commandments in the Bible, but less fair. Like the David Letterman sequence, but more humorous. 10 times. The 4th lowest amount of trips to the free throw line in NBA Finals History. That's at least 250 games. 4th lowest in 250 games. This from the team that was 6th best at getting to the line during the regular season. Odd? Not if you're a Boston fan, but anyone else would look at these numbers and think something might be wrong.
Now, I know what Boston fans or "Laker Haters" (can't believe I said haters) will say. The Lakers aren't being aggressive. Well, apparently they're being TOO aggressive on one end, and I doubt they just switched their entire style of play up from game 1 to game 2. In game 1 the Lakers had 28 free throw attempts. The Celtics had 35, and that's fine. That's a well called game. But if anyone truly thinks the Lakers just stopped 'being aggressive' while the Celtics defense got better over 2 nights of sleep, you need your head examined. Not only that, but the stats show the Lakers were actually more aggressive than the Celtics. The Lakers scored more points in the paint, took more shots in the paint and from the key - yet, they weren't aggressive? Sure thing espn! Never actually look at the numbers before airing nonsense that every casual fan will use as a rebuttal on a message board before getting 'pwned' (oh god) with the truth.
I'm not going to say the NBA is fixed. I'm going to say it's staged. The Leon Powe fascination sums that much up. How ironic that the night they do a special on Leon Powe during half-time, he had the half of his life just prior to? Not only that, but he didn't even earn those points. 8 free throws in the first half and 3 of them were very questionable. Perhaps because otherwise we'd watch that halftime story and think 'hum - I guess some guy that plays for the Celtics was homeless? It'd be cool if he got playing time.'. I'm guessing 90% of basketball fans didn't know who the hell this guy was until he got 10 minutes of face time in the first half at the line.
Here's the deal; I don't care about Leon Powe. He was a boring player before I knew he was homeless, so a little pitty-party during half-time doesn't change anything. Perhaps if Stern realizes most of us watch basketball to see athletes, rather than a Disney movie, we'll finally see fair officiating and less sappy stories about guys we would have never heard of unless the NBA shoved them down our throats.
The Lakers return to the Staples Center to play 3 home games. Hopefully the officiating is as lopsided for them at home as it was for Boston, or maybe they can just hit a few shots and still beat the Celtics as they almost did even with the "Big 6" against them.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Pacman Jones...almost. Goodell has allowed Pacman to begin practicing with his new team, the Dallas Cowboys as of this week. However, Goodell is still being awful strict considering he hasn't reinstated him fully yet. Every other player that has been suspended ended up playing before the season was over, however it's still seems a tough decision to allow Pacman to play the season opener?
Goodell doesn't seem like the most limber of all people, but the way he's handling this situation makes me wonder if he wasn't stripping on the night that spawned this suspension. While he doesn't have much charisma, I bet he makes up for it with his junk in the trunk and brute strength on the pole. Go ahead - imagine it. It's completely heterosexual. Goodell, swinging on a pole - maybe in a girl scout outfit? Shaking his little thang? Doing that little dance? Well, along comes Pacman and Friends (yes, it just got hotter, right?) in their Gucci rain boots and slickers, dragging a garbage bag of singles. Before you know it, money is falling and Roger Goodell is picking it up by rolling his sweaty body around on stage - but wait a second. Pacman understands he's been fooled, starts shouting, and next thing you know - some guy is shot up. Goodell is traumatized, as he had a crush on the bouncer, whom would end up paralyzed. And what good is a flacid penis to Roger Goodell? Not very good. There's only one flacid penis Goodell likes, and that's his own, even if it's small and hides between his cheeks.
But seriously - before long we'll be hearing about how Godly Pacman is on the practice field, then we'll all watch how good he is on the football field. He's basically God in cleats. Well, if God had a terrible attitude problem, was cool with killing people, made it rain, and... wait a second. He IS God in cleats!

Jake Jetson

As if our mothers weren't pissed enough at Travis Henry due to unpaid child support, The Denver Broncos have released the father of 2,005 children this week. Bronco's coach Mike Shanahan said the cutting of the former pro-bowler had nothing to do with performance, but instead character. Apparently, spending more on marijuana than home utility bills is some sort of reflection on what type of person you are? Right - and me burying my neighbors under my house makes me a bad person too, huh?
Anyway, soon Travis will find himself in a new city and uniform. My guess is that he's as excited as the women he'll soon be impregnating. And who wouldn't be excited to give birth to a miniature Travis Henry without help from a father figure? That's almost as exciting as working the pole on a night you catch word that Adam "Pacman" Jones is coming, and he's bringing rain clouds with him. Almost as exciting as watching Jason Taylor on dancing with the stars. That guy still owes me for the masculinity I lost watching him prance around like a Disney character on HGH.
Well, good luck Travis. As if being lucky is a problem for you though - right? Right? You sly dog you...

Jake Jetson

Well, sort of. He goes by the name Doug Collins, and he's like the Captain Planet of heroes. While the Bulls need a coach, I'm not sure this guy is the one they wanted coming to save the day. I mean, these guys are dealing with Doctor-fucking-Octagon, and along comes Captain Planet to lecture him on how his arms could have been made out of recycled aluminums. Plus, before Captain Planet - earth sucked. After Captain Planet? It's even worse. And at this point, Al Gore is probably a better candidate to save the Bulls.
I honestly don't know what's wrong with John Paxson. I made friends working at the Dairy Queen when I was 16, however I'm not calling any of them up and asking them to perform surgery on any of my patients tomorrow. (yes, I'm a surgeon. And an astronaut.) This blast from the past mentality might just be a great plan, though. I'm no GM, and I wouldn't object if the Bulls signed Horace Grant or Luc Longley to make a run at another championship. Could be because I'm not a Bulls fan. I'm beginning to think Paxson isn't either.
Meanwhile, Mike Ditka checks his phone every 30 seconds, and Tommy Lasorda is meeting with the LA Dodgers later this evening.

Jake Jetson

Immediately following the controversial 'no foul' call on Brent Barry in game 4 of the Western Conference Finals, I knew only one man could lay all our San Antonio fans to sleep knowing the no-call, was the right call. So I dialed the big fella up. Unfortunately, he still doesn't have a cell phone so I'll have to make up what he would have said. (cell phones are illegal in his home country, Zaire. I'm sure.)
Jake Jetson: Hi, Dikembe. It's Jake Jetson from Drunk'n'Dunkin'. I know you're busy with off-season duties, but I had to get your insight on the controversy that just spawned from a no-foul call in the Lakers game. I assume you were watching?
Dikembe Mutombo: What? Dikembe no foul!?
JJ: No, no, not you Dikembe. Derek Fisher bumped Brent Barry pretty hard after biting on a pump fake. Did you see the game?
Dikembe Mutombo: Yes. I watch. Dikembe no foul.
JJ: You no foul?
Dikembe Mutombo: Yes.
JJ: So Derek Fisher didn't foul Brent Barry? Or are you saying you didn't foul Brent Barry?
Dikembe Mutombo: I no foul. Dikembe no foul.
JJ: Alright, well there you have it. No foul. Thanks for your time Dikembe. I'll holla!
Dikembe Mutombo: Bye.

So, if instant replays weren't enough, I think it's pretty clear to see: No foul. Coach Greg Popavich says so, Tim Duncan says so, Brent Barry says so, Kobe says so, but most importantly - Dikembe Mutombo says so. And Dikembe has never lied about a single foul call in his life. Disagree with him, and you'll wake up in a room full of roosters, candles, and with your heart missing. Some say they'd allow Dikembe to ref NBA games but he doesn't believe in goal tending, or wearing white stripes unless it's authentic zebra skin.

Jake Jetson

As the Lakers go in to game 4 with a 2-1 lead vs the Spurs, many questions will be lingering. One of those questions being, 'Just how good is Kobe Bryant?'. Sure, he can score 81 points in a single game, jump vehicles, pools, and is a God with the ladies - but can he, with only Rodmonovich as his side-kick, defeat the defending champions? If you missed games 1 and 3, you may not be familiar with this new Spurs team. Sure, they added Ime Udoka, but the addition that flew under everyone's radar was the signing of Lamar Odom, who provides the Spurs with 12 extra rebounds, 26 points, and 5 takeaways per night. Those aren't Hakeem Olajuwon numbers, but they're close - and Lamar Odom doesn't even have to try.
A couple more games like Odom played in games 1 and 3, and this Spurs team could be well on their way to another championship. Yes, we understand there's a team in the east to deal with, but we're talking championships, so please - stay with us here. Meanwhile, Ginobili is shooting the lights out, Tony Parker found a jumpshot (probably in the closet he's hiding in), and Tim Duncan hasn't seen defense since round1...of 2004. So, not only does Kobe Bryant have to beat 6 players by himself, but he also has to contact his arch rival, God and convince him to stop making Ginobili's shots fall in.
Seriously, this is like those old McDonalds commercials with Bird and Jordan playing horse. But, Ginobili would beat them, because he doesn't even have to look, stand up, or shoot with his hands. I'm convinced at this point he could flop, and tip a ball in from half court, drawing the first offensive foul And1 opportunity in the history of basketball.

Tune in to see how the stars are aligned. If you're bored, just play the classic drinking game - 1 shot for a Ginobili flop, 1 shot for a "Whut I do no do not'ting!" hand gesture from Ginobili, 1 shot for a Gasol fist-pump, 1 shot for a Lamar Odom missed lay-up, and 2 pints for every time Kobe is fouled. (the refs actually have to blow the whistle though, so don't worry about it)

Jake Jetson

On getting this page up and running. Don't worry, they're Canadian. Welcome to Drunk'n Dunkin', the most accurate sports analysis and news source on the planet (earth). New blogs will be up soon, but until then feel free to check out our sister-site: ESPN.com.
Jake Jetson