The Ohio State Buckeyes reach a milestone that not even the SEC can rival this week, as their criminal count reached 30 over a mere 7 years since Jim Tressel took over the team. 30 of Jim's athletes have had run-ins with the law, but Tressel is optimistic that they can reach 50 within another 2 seasons. The "Dirty Thirty", as they're being called around the internet, mark a milestone that other teams sports-world wide are calling the most impressive collection of criminals in the history of all sports. This includes the 90's Dallas Cowboys, the current SEC Conference (due to 'per capita' statistics), Cincinnati Bengals and NBA Officials.
Defensive tackle, Doug Worthington was the player responsible for this accomplishment, and when asked about the feat he was reluctant to accept the credit.
"Well, this was a team effort. We've come a long way since 2001. My teammates all put in their work, and I thought someone else would break the big 30 before I did, but it's just the way the cards fell. I've got to give credit to Maurice Clarrett, Troy Smith, and Louis Irizarry for teaching us to never give up. Also, coach Tressel for giving us the funds to pre-pay all our bail-bonds. WE NUMBER 1!" said Worthington.
Somewhere, OJ Simpson has a tear in his eye, knowing there's a place where criminal athletes are accepted, embraced, and given a shot at winning with no restrictions, and that place is The University of Ohio State (if you ask Tyrelle Pryor, at least).

This should be a big year for the Buckeyes, and maybe 30 will be their lucky number, as their team is stacked with loads of talent, and guys with more street cred than Kimbo Slice. I think they'd play better in uniforms they're more comfortable in though. Maybe something with more stripes, or that Tennessee orange they wear during the week.

Jake Jetson

July 12, 2008 (I feel the date is important, just so everyone knows this is a new post)
Yes, that's right. America's Greatest Dad has failed yet another drug test, due to testing positive for...can you guess? I'll give you a hint: It starts with the letter M and rhymes with Sarah Conner (Use the Ahnuld accent). And why not, you know? It's not as if Travis Henry has anything to lose at this point. His agent claims that Henry can barely afford his child support payments, and he was recently released by the Denver Broncos. If Travis Henry was a better running back, he'd be the new Ricky Williams. But not as cool, and not as gay. Millions of dollars playing football...orrrr smoking on mom's couch? Millions playing football...or driving an '87 Honda Accord? Tough choice.
Though, we should have seen this coming. I was doing a bit of research on Henry, and found a scouting report that pretty much tells us all we'd need to know about his lifestyle...or running style. Maybe I'm just reading too much in to this?

Travis Henry scouting report:

Strengths: Can really burn it. He avoids lines, and finds the open 'turf' like few others can. Has a great motor. Never quits. If a hole opens, he'll hit it, and never look back. Very shifty, but usually moves North-South...north-south...north-south. Covers a lot of grass, and will play in any weather...doesn't own a rain coat. Doesn't lack that burst, and stays in the end-zone.

Weaknesses: Though he's a great back, you can find a Travis Henry (jr) in just about every school in america, though they aren't draft eligible yet. Has a laid back approach to the game. Lacks vision, and sometimes doesn't know when to bounce it outside. Loves Mary more than football, and this could cause distractions. Hands are questionable, and he doesn't use his as much as the rest of us. Needs to polish his skill-set more.

But there you have it. If you ever need a running back for your flag football team, spot Travis a dime-bag and I'll sure he'll show up to play. It's not as if he'll have anything else to do once Roger Goodell burns him at the cross.

Jake Jetson

Shocking, right? So shocking that it hasn't been officially announced yet, but I'm officially announcing it: Brett Favre is coming back. We knew it last season, and we know it now. And by chance he doesn't return, he'll at least make sure his name pops up every week on ESPN. I can see it now, week 16 as the Green Bay Packers are 15-0 under Aaron Rodgers, A dark silhouette appears on the titan-tron. A WWE type intro sounds, and the number 4 flashes on the scoreboard monitor. But not only the monitor - every number on the scoreboard is now a 4. Not enough? A zip chord lowers a trench coat wearing Favre from the sky and he lands at midfield - pointing a baseball bat at Aaron Rodgers. Getting chills yet? Flashing that famous smile he removes the coat and holds his hand up to receive the game ball. Oh now it's on! I don't want to ruin the story for you, but the Packers lose the next 2 games ending their season.
Brett is the Packers' creepy ex-boyfriend. Sure, he claims he's going to leave them alone and is ready to move on, but as soon as you're sipping daquiries with Aaron Rodgers, there you see him, peeking from the bushes with night-vision goggles on and full camo- at 12 noon. You wont hear from him for months, but then you get a text message during your honeymoon, explaining how he's changed. His friends tell you that he's got an "itch", but that only scares you a little. You can tell him that it's not him, it's you as many times as you want, but he just doesn't get it. Truth is - nobody likes a saggy sack, and changing diapers isn't something rookies should have to endure during their hazings. The Packers want a young man with endurance and potential. They've got one, but Pappy thinks because he bought you a few things that the relationship should only end on his terms.
Now, I apologize for making Brett Favre sex analogies, but it's the easiest one I can think of. Probably because I'm a disgusting pervert. Or because Brett Favre in Wranglers screams 'sex'. It's not my fault.

Now I wait for Brett to sign with the Vikings or Lions. Trying to make the ex-jealous. But Brett can't win in a dome, and is now officially Madden cursed, so hilarity should ensue. This will be as funny as McNair playing for the Ravens. Speaking of - aren't these guys friends? C'mon Mac, your pal needs some advice. Help the guy out.

Jake Jetson

As if our mothers weren't pissed enough at Travis Henry due to unpaid child support, The Denver Broncos have released the father of 2,005 children this week. Bronco's coach Mike Shanahan said the cutting of the former pro-bowler had nothing to do with performance, but instead character. Apparently, spending more on marijuana than home utility bills is some sort of reflection on what type of person you are? Right - and me burying my neighbors under my house makes me a bad person too, huh?
Anyway, soon Travis will find himself in a new city and uniform. My guess is that he's as excited as the women he'll soon be impregnating. And who wouldn't be excited to give birth to a miniature Travis Henry without help from a father figure? That's almost as exciting as working the pole on a night you catch word that Adam "Pacman" Jones is coming, and he's bringing rain clouds with him. Almost as exciting as watching Jason Taylor on dancing with the stars. That guy still owes me for the masculinity I lost watching him prance around like a Disney character on HGH.
Well, good luck Travis. As if being lucky is a problem for you though - right? Right? You sly dog you...

Jake Jetson

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Jake Jetson