As of Sunday, July 20th, we now know quite a few things. Candace Parker should never wear a dress, Justin Timberlake is responsible for the New York Giant's miracle win, and athletes have the sense of humor of a...of like...well, they don't have much of one, ok?
Alright, first thing's first - Candace, Candace, Candace...Didn't Roger Clemens teach you anything? Barry Bonds? Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk? The juice doesn't pay off. Sure, you might be able to drop 40 pts on a bunch of 4ft7 women that play ball worse than any pick up squad I've run through, but your physique is paying for it. You were our hope, that maybe - just maybe an attractive female can play basketball in the WNBA. Sure, you're freakishly tall, and amazonish. We can look over that. Well...around that. But now that you're built like Dwight Howard? Ehhhhh...it's not so hot. You were holding the ESPY award like an eating utensil.
Jerome Bettis even looked scared from a distance. It's not normal for a woman to have pectorals. Maybe Sheldon Williams digs it when you flex your A-Cup, but he looks like a dinosaur, so we're going to overlook his opinion. Seriously, lay off the roids. Your dome could hold refugees from New Orleans with room for a Barry Bonds hat collection. You won 'Best Female Athlete', and I'm pretty sure you need a vagina for that award...

Speaking of the 'Bests'. Tiger Woods took home "Best Male Athlete". So first we have a dude winning "Best Female Athlete" and now a golfer wins best athlete? Have any of the voters actually played golf before? Or even been to a golf course? Have the guys are drunk, old, fat, or all the above. They even need a cart to get around the course. I think there need to be rules to qualify for certain awards. To be the best female - you have to be a female. To be the best athlete - you must be athletic. Is this making sense? Sure, Tiger Woods is the most dominant golfer ever. Hooray. Great. I could still beat him in a 40 yard dash, kill him in a game of 1 on 1, or shut him down in my flag football league. Look - I bet Bill Dance never got a most athletic award, but he was one hell of a fisherman, right? Once you have to be in shape to walk around acres of land and swing a stick a few times, we'll consider them athletes. But for now? No. They're just guys that are great at a game that most of us don't even want our bosses to ask us to play on the weekend. I look extremely athletic on a golf course too, Tiger. And change that polo you've been wearing since 1996.


Jake Jetson

And by "Big 3", I of course mean the 3 guys that truly made a difference. They didn't come off the bench. And they didn't even suit up in greens. However, when you put up stats like 38 free throw attempts versus a lowly 10, you don't need a pretty jumper. You don't need to rebound. Just blow that whistle baby, and win!
Look, I rarely ever get technical and start throwing numbers around, because that's way too much like respectable journalism, and you know I'm not down with that. But the Lakers went to the free throw line 10 times in game 2. Ten times. Like those commandments in the Bible, but less fair. Like the David Letterman sequence, but more humorous. 10 times. The 4th lowest amount of trips to the free throw line in NBA Finals History. That's at least 250 games. 4th lowest in 250 games. This from the team that was 6th best at getting to the line during the regular season. Odd? Not if you're a Boston fan, but anyone else would look at these numbers and think something might be wrong.
Now, I know what Boston fans or "Laker Haters" (can't believe I said haters) will say. The Lakers aren't being aggressive. Well, apparently they're being TOO aggressive on one end, and I doubt they just switched their entire style of play up from game 1 to game 2. In game 1 the Lakers had 28 free throw attempts. The Celtics had 35, and that's fine. That's a well called game. But if anyone truly thinks the Lakers just stopped 'being aggressive' while the Celtics defense got better over 2 nights of sleep, you need your head examined. Not only that, but the stats show the Lakers were actually more aggressive than the Celtics. The Lakers scored more points in the paint, took more shots in the paint and from the key - yet, they weren't aggressive? Sure thing espn! Never actually look at the numbers before airing nonsense that every casual fan will use as a rebuttal on a message board before getting 'pwned' (oh god) with the truth.
I'm not going to say the NBA is fixed. I'm going to say it's staged. The Leon Powe fascination sums that much up. How ironic that the night they do a special on Leon Powe during half-time, he had the half of his life just prior to? Not only that, but he didn't even earn those points. 8 free throws in the first half and 3 of them were very questionable. Perhaps because otherwise we'd watch that halftime story and think 'hum - I guess some guy that plays for the Celtics was homeless? It'd be cool if he got playing time.'. I'm guessing 90% of basketball fans didn't know who the hell this guy was until he got 10 minutes of face time in the first half at the line.
Here's the deal; I don't care about Leon Powe. He was a boring player before I knew he was homeless, so a little pitty-party during half-time doesn't change anything. Perhaps if Stern realizes most of us watch basketball to see athletes, rather than a Disney movie, we'll finally see fair officiating and less sappy stories about guys we would have never heard of unless the NBA shoved them down our throats.
The Lakers return to the Staples Center to play 3 home games. Hopefully the officiating is as lopsided for them at home as it was for Boston, or maybe they can just hit a few shots and still beat the Celtics as they almost did even with the "Big 6" against them.

Well, sort of. He goes by the name Doug Collins, and he's like the Captain Planet of heroes. While the Bulls need a coach, I'm not sure this guy is the one they wanted coming to save the day. I mean, these guys are dealing with Doctor-fucking-Octagon, and along comes Captain Planet to lecture him on how his arms could have been made out of recycled aluminums. Plus, before Captain Planet - earth sucked. After Captain Planet? It's even worse. And at this point, Al Gore is probably a better candidate to save the Bulls.
I honestly don't know what's wrong with John Paxson. I made friends working at the Dairy Queen when I was 16, however I'm not calling any of them up and asking them to perform surgery on any of my patients tomorrow. (yes, I'm a surgeon. And an astronaut.) This blast from the past mentality might just be a great plan, though. I'm no GM, and I wouldn't object if the Bulls signed Horace Grant or Luc Longley to make a run at another championship. Could be because I'm not a Bulls fan. I'm beginning to think Paxson isn't either.
Meanwhile, Mike Ditka checks his phone every 30 seconds, and Tommy Lasorda is meeting with the LA Dodgers later this evening.

Jake Jetson

Immediately following the controversial 'no foul' call on Brent Barry in game 4 of the Western Conference Finals, I knew only one man could lay all our San Antonio fans to sleep knowing the no-call, was the right call. So I dialed the big fella up. Unfortunately, he still doesn't have a cell phone so I'll have to make up what he would have said. (cell phones are illegal in his home country, Zaire. I'm sure.)
Jake Jetson: Hi, Dikembe. It's Jake Jetson from Drunk'n'Dunkin'. I know you're busy with off-season duties, but I had to get your insight on the controversy that just spawned from a no-foul call in the Lakers game. I assume you were watching?
Dikembe Mutombo: What? Dikembe no foul!?
JJ: No, no, not you Dikembe. Derek Fisher bumped Brent Barry pretty hard after biting on a pump fake. Did you see the game?
Dikembe Mutombo: Yes. I watch. Dikembe no foul.
JJ: You no foul?
Dikembe Mutombo: Yes.
JJ: So Derek Fisher didn't foul Brent Barry? Or are you saying you didn't foul Brent Barry?
Dikembe Mutombo: I no foul. Dikembe no foul.
JJ: Alright, well there you have it. No foul. Thanks for your time Dikembe. I'll holla!
Dikembe Mutombo: Bye.

So, if instant replays weren't enough, I think it's pretty clear to see: No foul. Coach Greg Popavich says so, Tim Duncan says so, Brent Barry says so, Kobe says so, but most importantly - Dikembe Mutombo says so. And Dikembe has never lied about a single foul call in his life. Disagree with him, and you'll wake up in a room full of roosters, candles, and with your heart missing. Some say they'd allow Dikembe to ref NBA games but he doesn't believe in goal tending, or wearing white stripes unless it's authentic zebra skin.

Jake Jetson

As the Lakers go in to game 4 with a 2-1 lead vs the Spurs, many questions will be lingering. One of those questions being, 'Just how good is Kobe Bryant?'. Sure, he can score 81 points in a single game, jump vehicles, pools, and is a God with the ladies - but can he, with only Rodmonovich as his side-kick, defeat the defending champions? If you missed games 1 and 3, you may not be familiar with this new Spurs team. Sure, they added Ime Udoka, but the addition that flew under everyone's radar was the signing of Lamar Odom, who provides the Spurs with 12 extra rebounds, 26 points, and 5 takeaways per night. Those aren't Hakeem Olajuwon numbers, but they're close - and Lamar Odom doesn't even have to try.
A couple more games like Odom played in games 1 and 3, and this Spurs team could be well on their way to another championship. Yes, we understand there's a team in the east to deal with, but we're talking championships, so please - stay with us here. Meanwhile, Ginobili is shooting the lights out, Tony Parker found a jumpshot (probably in the closet he's hiding in), and Tim Duncan hasn't seen defense since round1...of 2004. So, not only does Kobe Bryant have to beat 6 players by himself, but he also has to contact his arch rival, God and convince him to stop making Ginobili's shots fall in.
Seriously, this is like those old McDonalds commercials with Bird and Jordan playing horse. But, Ginobili would beat them, because he doesn't even have to look, stand up, or shoot with his hands. I'm convinced at this point he could flop, and tip a ball in from half court, drawing the first offensive foul And1 opportunity in the history of basketball.

Tune in to see how the stars are aligned. If you're bored, just play the classic drinking game - 1 shot for a Ginobili flop, 1 shot for a "Whut I do no do not'ting!" hand gesture from Ginobili, 1 shot for a Gasol fist-pump, 1 shot for a Lamar Odom missed lay-up, and 2 pints for every time Kobe is fouled. (the refs actually have to blow the whistle though, so don't worry about it)

Jake Jetson

On getting this page up and running. Don't worry, they're Canadian. Welcome to Drunk'n Dunkin', the most accurate sports analysis and news source on the planet (earth). New blogs will be up soon, but until then feel free to check out our sister-site: ESPN.com.
Jake Jetson