2008 ESPY Award Recap!

As of Sunday, July 20th, we now know quite a few things. Candace Parker should never wear a dress, Justin Timberlake is responsible for the New York Giant's miracle win, and athletes have the sense of humor of a...of like...well, they don't have much of one, ok?
Alright, first thing's first - Candace, Candace, Candace...Didn't Roger Clemens teach you anything? Barry Bonds? Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk? The juice doesn't pay off. Sure, you might be able to drop 40 pts on a bunch of 4ft7 women that play ball worse than any pick up squad I've run through, but your physique is paying for it. You were our hope, that maybe - just maybe an attractive female can play basketball in the WNBA. Sure, you're freakishly tall, and amazonish. We can look over that. Well...around that. But now that you're built like Dwight Howard? Ehhhhh...it's not so hot. You were holding the ESPY award like an eating utensil.
Jerome Bettis even looked scared from a distance. It's not normal for a woman to have pectorals. Maybe Sheldon Williams digs it when you flex your A-Cup, but he looks like a dinosaur, so we're going to overlook his opinion. Seriously, lay off the roids. Your dome could hold refugees from New Orleans with room for a Barry Bonds hat collection. You won 'Best Female Athlete', and I'm pretty sure you need a vagina for that award...

Speaking of the 'Bests'. Tiger Woods took home "Best Male Athlete". So first we have a dude winning "Best Female Athlete" and now a golfer wins best athlete? Have any of the voters actually played golf before? Or even been to a golf course? Have the guys are drunk, old, fat, or all the above. They even need a cart to get around the course. I think there need to be rules to qualify for certain awards. To be the best female - you have to be a female. To be the best athlete - you must be athletic. Is this making sense? Sure, Tiger Woods is the most dominant golfer ever. Hooray. Great. I could still beat him in a 40 yard dash, kill him in a game of 1 on 1, or shut him down in my flag football league. Look - I bet Bill Dance never got a most athletic award, but he was one hell of a fisherman, right? Once you have to be in shape to walk around acres of land and swing a stick a few times, we'll consider them athletes. But for now? No. They're just guys that are great at a game that most of us don't even want our bosses to ask us to play on the weekend. I look extremely athletic on a golf course too, Tiger. And change that polo you've been wearing since 1996.


Jake Jetson