July 12, 2008 (I feel the date is important, just so everyone knows this is a new post)
Yes, that's right. America's Greatest Dad has failed yet another drug test, due to testing positive for...can you guess? I'll give you a hint: It starts with the letter M and rhymes with Sarah Conner (Use the Ahnuld accent). And why not, you know? It's not as if Travis Henry has anything to lose at this point. His agent claims that Henry can barely afford his child support payments, and he was recently released by the Denver Broncos. If Travis Henry was a better running back, he'd be the new Ricky Williams. But not as cool, and not as gay. Millions of dollars playing football...orrrr smoking on mom's couch? Millions playing football...or driving an '87 Honda Accord? Tough choice.
Though, we should have seen this coming. I was doing a bit of research on Henry, and found a scouting report that pretty much tells us all we'd need to know about his lifestyle...or running style. Maybe I'm just reading too much in to this?
Travis Henry scouting report:
Strengths: Can really burn it. He avoids lines, and finds the open 'turf' like few others can. Has a great motor. Never quits. If a hole opens, he'll hit it, and never look back. Very shifty, but usually moves North-South...north-south...north-south. Covers a lot of grass, and will play in any weather...doesn't own a rain coat. Doesn't lack that burst, and stays in the end-zone.
Weaknesses: Though he's a great back, you can find a Travis Henry (jr) in just about every school in america, though they aren't draft eligible yet. Has a laid back approach to the game. Lacks vision, and sometimes doesn't know when to bounce it outside. Loves Mary more than football, and this could cause distractions. Hands are questionable, and he doesn't use his as much as the rest of us. Needs to polish his skill-set more.
But there you have it. If you ever need a running back for your flag football team, spot Travis a dime-bag and I'll sure he'll show up to play. It's not as if he'll have anything else to do once Roger Goodell burns him at the cross.
Jake Jetson
As if our mothers weren't pissed enough at Travis Henry due to unpaid child support, The Denver Broncos have released the father of 2,005 children this week. Bronco's coach Mike Shanahan said the cutting of the former pro-bowler had nothing to do with performance, but instead character. Apparently, spending more on marijuana than home utility bills is some sort of reflection on what type of person you are? Right - and me burying my neighbors under my house makes me a bad person too, huh?
Anyway, soon Travis will find himself in a new city and uniform. My guess is that he's as excited as the women he'll soon be impregnating. And who wouldn't be excited to give birth to a miniature Travis Henry without help from a father figure? That's almost as exciting as working the pole on a night you catch word that Adam "Pacman" Jones is coming, and he's bringing rain clouds with him. Almost as exciting as watching Jason Taylor on dancing with the stars. That guy still owes me for the masculinity I lost watching him prance around like a Disney character on HGH.
Well, good luck Travis. As if being lucky is a problem for you though - right? Right? You sly dog you...
Jake Jetson
