July 12, 2008 (I feel the date is important, just so everyone knows this is a new post)
Yes, that's right. America's Greatest Dad has failed yet another drug test, due to testing positive for...can you guess? I'll give you a hint: It starts with the letter M and rhymes with Sarah Conner (Use the Ahnuld accent). And why not, you know? It's not as if Travis Henry has anything to lose at this point. His agent claims that Henry can barely afford his child support payments, and he was recently released by the Denver Broncos. If Travis Henry was a better running back, he'd be the new Ricky Williams. But not as cool, and not as gay. Millions of dollars playing football...orrrr smoking on mom's couch? Millions playing football...or driving an '87 Honda Accord? Tough choice.
Though, we should have seen this coming. I was doing a bit of research on Henry, and found a scouting report that pretty much tells us all we'd need to know about his lifestyle...or running style. Maybe I'm just reading too much in to this?
Travis Henry scouting report:
Strengths: Can really burn it. He avoids lines, and finds the open 'turf' like few others can. Has a great motor. Never quits. If a hole opens, he'll hit it, and never look back. Very shifty, but usually moves North-South...north-south...north-south. Covers a lot of grass, and will play in any weather...doesn't own a rain coat. Doesn't lack that burst, and stays in the end-zone.
Weaknesses: Though he's a great back, you can find a Travis Henry (jr) in just about every school in america, though they aren't draft eligible yet. Has a laid back approach to the game. Lacks vision, and sometimes doesn't know when to bounce it outside. Loves Mary more than football, and this could cause distractions. Hands are questionable, and he doesn't use his as much as the rest of us. Needs to polish his skill-set more.
But there you have it. If you ever need a running back for your flag football team, spot Travis a dime-bag and I'll sure he'll show up to play. It's not as if he'll have anything else to do once Roger Goodell burns him at the cross.
Jake Jetson
Shocking, right? So shocking that it hasn't been officially announced yet, but I'm officially announcing it: Brett Favre is coming back. We knew it last season, and we know it now. And by chance he doesn't return, he'll at least make sure his name pops up every week on ESPN. I can see it now, week 16 as the Green Bay Packers are 15-0 under Aaron Rodgers, A dark silhouette appears on the titan-tron. A WWE type intro sounds, and the number 4 flashes on the scoreboard monitor. But not only the monitor - every number on the scoreboard is now a 4. Not enough? A zip chord lowers a trench coat wearing Favre from the sky and he lands at midfield - pointing a baseball bat at Aaron Rodgers. Getting chills yet? Flashing that famous smile he removes the coat and holds his hand up to receive the game ball. Oh now it's on! I don't want to ruin the story for you, but the Packers lose the next 2 games ending their season.
Brett is the Packers' creepy ex-boyfriend. Sure, he claims he's going to leave them alone and is ready to move on, but as soon as you're sipping daquiries with Aaron Rodgers, there you see him, peeking from the bushes with night-vision goggles on and full camo- at 12 noon. You wont hear from him for months, but then you get a text message during your honeymoon, explaining how he's changed. His friends tell you that he's got an "itch", but that only scares you a little. You can tell him that it's not him, it's you as many times as you want, but he just doesn't get it. Truth is - nobody likes a saggy sack, and changing diapers isn't something rookies should have to endure during their hazings. The Packers want a young man with endurance and potential. They've got one, but Pappy thinks because he bought you a few things that the relationship should only end on his terms.
Now, I apologize for making Brett Favre sex analogies, but it's the easiest one I can think of. Probably because I'm a disgusting pervert. Or because Brett Favre in Wranglers screams 'sex'. It's not my fault.
Now I wait for Brett to sign with the Vikings or Lions. Trying to make the ex-jealous. But Brett can't win in a dome, and is now officially Madden cursed, so hilarity should ensue. This will be as funny as McNair playing for the Ravens. Speaking of - aren't these guys friends? C'mon Mac, your pal needs some advice. Help the guy out.
Jake Jetson
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Pacman Jones...almost. Goodell has allowed Pacman to begin practicing with his new team, the Dallas Cowboys as of this week. However, Goodell is still being awful strict considering he hasn't reinstated him fully yet. Every other player that has been suspended ended up playing before the season was over, however it's still seems a tough decision to allow Pacman to play the season opener?
Goodell doesn't seem like the most limber of all people, but the way he's handling this situation makes me wonder if he wasn't stripping on the night that spawned this suspension. While he doesn't have much charisma, I bet he makes up for it with his junk in the trunk and brute strength on the pole. Go ahead - imagine it. It's completely heterosexual. Goodell, swinging on a pole - maybe in a girl scout outfit? Shaking his little thang? Doing that little dance? Well, along comes Pacman and Friends (yes, it just got hotter, right?) in their Gucci rain boots and slickers, dragging a garbage bag of singles. Before you know it, money is falling and Roger Goodell is picking it up by rolling his sweaty body around on stage - but wait a second. Pacman understands he's been fooled, starts shouting, and next thing you know - some guy is shot up. Goodell is traumatized, as he had a crush on the bouncer, whom would end up paralyzed. And what good is a flacid penis to Roger Goodell? Not very good. There's only one flacid penis Goodell likes, and that's his own, even if it's small and hides between his cheeks.
But seriously - before long we'll be hearing about how Godly Pacman is on the practice field, then we'll all watch how good he is on the football field. He's basically God in cleats. Well, if God had a terrible attitude problem, was cool with killing people, made it rain, and... wait a second. He IS God in cleats!
Jake Jetson
As if our mothers weren't pissed enough at Travis Henry due to unpaid child support, The Denver Broncos have released the father of 2,005 children this week. Bronco's coach Mike Shanahan said the cutting of the former pro-bowler had nothing to do with performance, but instead character. Apparently, spending more on marijuana than home utility bills is some sort of reflection on what type of person you are? Right - and me burying my neighbors under my house makes me a bad person too, huh?
Anyway, soon Travis will find himself in a new city and uniform. My guess is that he's as excited as the women he'll soon be impregnating. And who wouldn't be excited to give birth to a miniature Travis Henry without help from a father figure? That's almost as exciting as working the pole on a night you catch word that Adam "Pacman" Jones is coming, and he's bringing rain clouds with him. Almost as exciting as watching Jason Taylor on dancing with the stars. That guy still owes me for the masculinity I lost watching him prance around like a Disney character on HGH.
Well, good luck Travis. As if being lucky is a problem for you though - right? Right? You sly dog you...
Jake Jetson
