Travis Henry Fails yet Another Drug Test...

July 12, 2008 (I feel the date is important, just so everyone knows this is a new post)
Yes, that's right. America's Greatest Dad has failed yet another drug test, due to testing positive for...can you guess? I'll give you a hint: It starts with the letter M and rhymes with Sarah Conner (Use the Ahnuld accent). And why not, you know? It's not as if Travis Henry has anything to lose at this point. His agent claims that Henry can barely afford his child support payments, and he was recently released by the Denver Broncos. If Travis Henry was a better running back, he'd be the new Ricky Williams. But not as cool, and not as gay. Millions of dollars playing football...orrrr smoking on mom's couch? Millions playing football...or driving an '87 Honda Accord? Tough choice.
Though, we should have seen this coming. I was doing a bit of research on Henry, and found a scouting report that pretty much tells us all we'd need to know about his lifestyle...or running style. Maybe I'm just reading too much in to this?

Travis Henry scouting report:

Strengths: Can really burn it. He avoids lines, and finds the open 'turf' like few others can. Has a great motor. Never quits. If a hole opens, he'll hit it, and never look back. Very shifty, but usually moves North-South...north-south...north-south. Covers a lot of grass, and will play in any weather...doesn't own a rain coat. Doesn't lack that burst, and stays in the end-zone.

Weaknesses: Though he's a great back, you can find a Travis Henry (jr) in just about every school in america, though they aren't draft eligible yet. Has a laid back approach to the game. Lacks vision, and sometimes doesn't know when to bounce it outside. Loves Mary more than football, and this could cause distractions. Hands are questionable, and he doesn't use his as much as the rest of us. Needs to polish his skill-set more.

But there you have it. If you ever need a running back for your flag football team, spot Travis a dime-bag and I'll sure he'll show up to play. It's not as if he'll have anything else to do once Roger Goodell burns him at the cross.

Jake Jetson